Don't need a sword to cut through flowers...

I quit taking the steroids last night because believe it or not, I came to the conclusion that the physical pain was easier to deal with than the panic attacks. I did what I could: last night after blogging I took half an Ambien and ended up getting a decent night's sleep. At work today I felt another panic attack coming on, so I took half a xanax and warded it off. I hate that I'm fighting the side effects of one pill with several others, but as the late John Lennon wisely sang, whatever gets you through the night, it's alright.

Last week my therapist told me I should try to do some good things for myself, so I spent a whopping $146 today on two new dresses and two pairs of shoes to wear to services on Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur. True, I am focusing on exactly the wrong elements of Elul; I should be looking inward and repenting and reflecting, but for some odd reason I am looking outward at my appearance and trying to be a little more aware of bringing what beauty I have to the surface by dressing better, wearing makeup again, feeling more confident, making the most of what I have because it beats dwelling on the pain and the yuck and the sad.

Besides, on a practical level, I can't wear slacks for my cantorial soloist gig, and I do want to look somewhat pretty on the days of awe, even though I know I can't hold a candle to most of the women in my congregation. So I did some online shopping today and bought a chocolate-brown wrap dress (which I would love to pair with some high leather boots, but I'm thinking that's pretty much a bad scene for Yom Kippur morning) and a little black A-line dress with satin accents on the sleeves and hem. If it looks OK, I'll wear it for Kol Nidre. If it looks like crap, it goes right back to the fat chick store.

So today was a better day for a number of reasons: a decision to blow off a project until Monday (it'll keep), the retail therapy, a beautiful service this evening at temple...I do feel better, but I'm not there yet. I feel the pain creeping back in because the medicine is transitioning out, but I'll cross that bridge when I have to. In the meantime, I think sleep would help more than anything.

Shabbat shalom.