A1C, easy as 1-2-3, simple as do-re-mi....

So here I am, awaiting the results of this week's blood sugar test (fasting), and the A1C hemoglobin test which measures the history of sugar in your red blood cells over a three to four month period. Fascinating. It's insane knowing that the oldest blood cells currently represented in this test are probably emblazoned with logos from McDonald's and Dunkin' Donuts. The newer ones, thankfully, are bearing the blue-green swirl of Weight Watchers. Sadly, however, the well-behaved blood cells are outnumbered three to one.

I shudder to think what the A1C will reveal about my pre-scare eating habits. As if the guilty history of every cheeseburger and french fry will be written for medical professionals to divine in letters of sugar. Compared with my virtuous, self-righteous little month-old red blood cells, the old ones are probably like depraved winos with a criminal record and a chip on their shoulder. Come to think of it, that's pretty much how I was eating.

The test is probably back by now; I had it Monday morning. I'd like to think that if it was really bad, like "you need to go on insulin NOW' bad, I'd have heard from my doctor already. So I'm hoping that no news is good news, that the results will wait until Monday morning. And of course, I really hope that I've made a month-old dent in the last blood sugar number. Which revealed itself in a non-fasting test, after I'd had a Coke.

Carb fact of the day: Something that I thought was healthy apparently isn't: those baked Lay's chips have 44 grams of carbs per serving (compared with, say, Smartfood popcorn at 9 grams of carbs per snack bag). Apparently, I am only supposed to have 30 grams of carbs per meal in order to keep things of a diabetic nature under control. Here's the thing: Smartfood is 3 points on Weight Watchers; baked Lay's are 2. I can't believe this freaking label-reading and carb counting is my life now. And all I really want is a cheeseburger.

Jitters

What does it mean that the only way for me to calm my nerves before leading services is to watch this video?

http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/uncensored.shtml

High Anxiety

I am so nervous about leading services tomorrow night because I'm giving the sermon. I'm done writing it, but oh, it is just SO outreachy and typical.

Basically the story is this: Korach leads a rebellion against Moses and Aaron. Korach is basically like George W. Bush, a bad, greedy, erstwhile wanna-be who cloaks his lust for ambition and wealth in a G-dly message (that G-d is an equal opportunity leadership trainer and so Moses and Aaron are needlessly raising themselves above the others).

Eventually, after falling on his face (Moses does a lot of that) the argument escalates and Moses shuts it down by suggesting they engage in an old-west style incense and firepan throwdown. G-d, he tells Korach, will reveal the true leader.

And G-d shows up to cast the winning vote. It's like Iron Chef, except that Korach and his 250 rebels get swallowed up by the earth, instead of humiliation at the hands of the Chairman and Fukui San.

Classic story line from My Bodyguard (anyone remember that movie?) Or when Jerry Mouse takes the thumbtack out of Butch the Bulldog's paw and gets a golden whistle in return. Anytime Tom hassles him: just whistle. And receive some fine Old Testamant justice for your trouble.

I know I have all day tomorrow to tweak this but this is one of those moments when I wonder how pertinent the whole conversion thing will be. Will people be willing to forgive an outreachy drash because it's given by a Jew-by-Choice? Or will I be held to a different standard, that I don't have to be as smart or cool since I wasn't born into this people. Or will they just think I'm out and out stupid and that I should just stick to singing. You can't mess up the lecha dodi too badly, even if you were born Catholic.

Speaking of which: hopefully the singing part won't go too badly.

Shabbat shalom.